Story on Reddit

[Gizmo]

Hey all,
I've posted a short story on Reddit. I'd appreciate your thoughts, if you don't mind?

The Prologue that sets up the universe and its history is here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1hhn1ml/crucible_part_1

The actual story starts here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1gokxa5/shil_t_kree

Please let me know what you think. The response on Reddit seems to have been overall positive, and I'm thinking about potentially developing it into a full story to publish.

I am looking for any constructive criticism, particularly with respect to plot, pacing, flow, and character development (there's not a lot, I know).

 

[Daniel~]

I feel like i or you need a place to stand.
i think we have need of a more central charter
some one to care about someone to lead us into the story and to
not just describe but to also personalize The vast journey and transformation
that you have summoned


hang in there!

maybe reduce the scope to something more manageable that allows for greater detail and reader involvement

 

[Gizmo]

That's a valid concern.

This was written as a series of short stories from a larger universe.

If this proceeds as I have envisioned it, I believe Ariel will be the central character. There are a lot of opportunities to explore a lot of ideas built into her character development.

You DID read the story about Ariel, right?